France has usually been governed by prostitutes." Daniel Kurtzman is a political journalist turned satirist. Nobody at the ticket counter knows what "North career" means. British Neighbors One of my friends has British neighbors, and they told him that they are royalty. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?". 15. This is Quatre. Q. 163. The cuisine in France is a major part of French culture. What do people in France meet someone they haven't met in a long long time? 84. 28. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. 147. 116. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!". I would like to be on that ferry!. I liked the absence of harassment of women in the streets; France has a lot to learn here. "An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman" is the opening line of a category of joke cycle popular in Ireland and the United Kingdom. It is the CAP, Ecofin and Eurostat. He could never play the 'crumpet' really well. What did Shakespeare call his shower? When you come back, you better have my Monet. Parton who? Richard Chesnoff hates everything in France and particularly the French. British people are very artistic, probably because they consume a lot of 'creativi-tea'. Oh, you again. ", Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England, The Frenchman says "Adam and Eve must be French. They unload all the cargo, and the plane is still too heavy. A British man started a locksmith service in July 2020. We hope you love our recommendations for products and services! Because it was a beret good time! 26. So the other one could drive! 155. During one stage of the visit, he was travelling in the Royal Carriage with Her Majesty the Queen. Why was Sherlock Holmes looking at the Monopoly box with suspicion? 130. Having the right comedic timing makes the jokes appropriate and ensures no one's feelings are hurt. 109. 90. Une d'elles se fait craser et l'autre s'crie "Oh pure !" (This is the story of two potatoes. Q. The English dessert was really grateful that her friend, the Haggis, was always by her side. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. Put on a pair of gloves., There is a deeper point. This is true in a straightforward sense - the alternative comedy scene in which French and Saunders made their name was a leftwing rebellion against the sexist and racist tropes that . The British wanted to find out why the head of a mans penis was larger then the shaft. We try our very best, but cannot guarantee perfection. But nobody wants a Quebecker with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the Exchequer. 121. 92. When the world's most famous and respected chef is British, this joke seems tiresomely dated and stale. He works round the clock. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner. ", Interviewer: "Congratulations, you passed!". 23. What type of breakfast do French people usually prefer? The English baker was infamous for being a bad musician. 41. What did the English banker say to the river who was looking to open a new account? 161. How many days of the week start with t? If you learn French, then puns can make it easier too. It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don't need u. 164. They have left EU. We strive to recommend the very best things that are suggested by our community and are things we would do ourselves - our aim is to be the trusted friend to parents. Britain's collective memory is also distinct but is more often defined against the French. 38. It was a deliberate political policy to create this legend, to say here is the enemy, we kicked them out and now France is French; its our country. Histoire de pomme de terre C'est l'histoire de deux pommes de terre. 17. "Parlez vous Francais?" Walloon French differs from the 'Standard' French dialect and is therefore seen as an inferior or uneducated version of French. He even went as far as naming his ice cream shop 'The Rolling Cones'. Cookies collect information about your preferences and your devices and are used to make the site work as you expect it to, to understand how you interact with the site, and to show advertisements that are targeted to your interests. We hope you love our recommendations for products and services! 4. 72. They were real rebels, but ultra-polite and correct and very precise about how they pasted their stickers, he says. Marcus Brigstocke stars as Budleigh Saltertons biggest idiot come to help sort Brexit. 18. Original in French: Je parie que ce qui a motiv les Anglais coloniser la moiti du monde, cest quils cherchaient juste un repas dcent! ', 91. 37. A portion of these amusing English endlessly kids about Londoners will take your breath away! She named it 'Oh My Cod'. 181. 'Humidi-tea'. 105. Don't read too much into it. British ghosts really like drinking tea. Why doesn't any royal family member go to Starbucks? What do British people eat in the morning? If there is anyone that has a love-hate relationship, it is Britain and France. He was 'ticked off'. There are only a few survivors: three Spanish people, three French people and an Englishman. 46. Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? 62. They keep "falling down". From rivals to allies, the British and French know how to duel. Having an After Eight at 7.30); and the Poles, who have a go at the Germans for pretty much anything (German footballers are like German food: if theyre not imported from Poland theyre no good). France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are planning a party. Mark Twain, "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." I love France. How does every English joke start? 43. 'Strong-tea-um'. This does not influence our choices. The main difference between Austrians and the Germans is that Germans would like to understand Austrians but cant, and Austrians understand Germans but would rather not. You can read more quotes about Paris here. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." Why did the woman hate being alone in a deserted street in France? 18. ", On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. Or so the joke goes. Going back into English and French history, for all those conflicts, we have English actor Peter Ustinovs quote about the past, present, and future. Inch by inch. Subscribe for virtual tools, STEM-inspired play, 112. Check your inbox for your latest news from us. Because they hate Toulouse. Vive la diffrence! Ill bring six pints of Guinness, says the Irishman. The foreigner continues with the same result. Ultimately, Seignovert said, laughing at our neighbours is recognising, even celebrating, our particularities. ), Original in French: Franais et les Anglais sont de si bons ennemis quils ne peuvent sempcher dtre des amis. My friend, an ice cream seller, is obsessed with British rock bands. High heels and fishnet stockings. An English steak hideously overcooked and ruined further by the addition of ketchup and mayonnaise.. I told these jokes to a British person. 104. Being able to read the room is an essential life skill. EU, it's disgusting. Three reasons Jesus is an Italian: only an Italian son would live with his mama till he was 30. A group of friends was going around England trying to look for greater theatres to recreate their amazing London experience. 67. Why was the pet owner having such a hard time with the puppy he'd just adopted in England? 151. A pair of English twins loved to play with water while traveling. Why do many art critics love to read about French painter, Eugne Delacroix? 10. I'd still have no dollars. 138. Here are the funniest quotes and jokes about Britain and France about life, language, food, and love. Sometimes we French are very self-satisfied and smug; we think we know England because we have visited London for the weekend, but we know very little about the English. Original in French: Leau est llment fondamental de la cuisine anglaise. French singer Daniel Darc, A reference to the English love of tea, compared to the haute gastronomie of French cuisine , Original in French: Je sais maintenant pourquoi les Anglais prfrent le th: je viens de goter leur caf. Pierre-Jean Vaillard. 17. The same benefits are not provided to 'cough-y' drinkers. Ed dit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! There is no need to be out on your hunt for some humor in French. The Swedes have got nice neighbours); and the Portuguese, who mock Spanish arrogance (In a recent survey, 11 out of 10 Spaniards said they felt superior to the others). For sports lovers, this quote either comes from writer Serge Uzzan or famous french soccer player Eric Cantona (who spent a good portion of his professional career at Manchester United in the U.K.), Original in French: Il fallait tre Anglais pour inventer le rugby. 94. How do you say those? Parton my French! What did the French friend say when she had to leave after finishing dessert? Kidadl is independent and to make our service free to you the reader we are supported by advertising. Before I made this film, I would have said I was 25 to 30% English. Because of the good musee-c. 23. 56. Robert Surcouf. What had the English telecom representative said to the man who wanted to describe a nuisance caller? How does one usually feel after visiting France? Which vegetable do British people love the most? Why did the tourist get his eyesight fixed before going to Britain? 'Chess Nuts'. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. The breakfast of champignons. 77. After the work day was over we went to a nearby farmer's market just for a stroll. After living in Paris over 10 years, I can tell you all about it! 2. The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement.". The door is banging against the toilet seat and it's really tricky to get in and out. What did the French woman say to the receptionist at the airport? 'Riveting!'. Why did the Siamese twins move to England? The beer containers! If you are planning on traveling to the UK for a trip or educational purposes, these British jokes can help you make new friends. 102. 'Equali-tea'. How do you know James bond is British? My friend's favorite series is Harry Potter, so she goes to England many times a year. He IS French, people." You're pretty 'Fahrenheit.'. What does the British fox say? 98. The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. They French kiss deeply, he pulls back and says In America, we call that a Strawberry Sundae! She responds Yah, shuure, vee do too., Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the countrys chief ornithologists. "The English are not a very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity." Traditional French joke: "A plane crashes on a desert island. "Pop. Pound Town. Frenchman Benjamin Carle likes a challenge. What is the main distinction between ohms and watts? He is charming, romantic, and exciting. 132. 89. What do you call it when James Bond takes a bath? But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death.". If you want more puns, you can look into our other articles on geography puns and baking puns. British people are always recording their finances because the camera adds ten pounds. when a black fly lands on his teachers desk. Regarde le mouche, the student tells his teacher. Because it is nothing to Lafayette. As a result of his trip, he decides he is not as English as he had thought. Many British people tend to make 'pour' decisions after going to the pub. "So you went ahead and did it?" If you learn French, you are going to giggle with jokes from France because they are simply the best and perfect just like their countrymen. We recommend that these ideas are used as inspiration, that ideas are undertaken with appropriate adult supervision, and that each adult uses their own discretion and knowledge of their children to consider the safety and suitability. How do you greet a British programmer named Cathryn? It is impossible to Rouen the trip. 'Tennish'. After running her errands, she returned to the library and picked him up. But, then, perhaps, theyve been laughing at us for years, and we just havent noticed? Q: How many gears does a French tank have?A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear. If you are looking for some life-changing funny joke in French, this list will blow you away. The performer asks if the can all see him. 113. Un homme qui ne parle quune langue est anglais. Claude Gagnire. He asks them. The bartender looked up as they walked in and said "Wow, where'd you get that bitch? Ill bring six pints of bitter, says the Englishman. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man. Candide. Our recommended activities are based on age but these are a guide. Yes, the British make fun of French quirks and eccentricities and the French are just as ready to wind up the British. It also consists of funny jokes in French, French jokes for kids, and French dad jokes, and the like. I haven't talked to him in a while, so I don't know if he is sick 'Orwell' anymore. The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood. You can easily bank on me. ", Englishman: "Yeah, right, whatever, that's daft. I erected a monument to a famous French general and president. If they were going to make a British food version of 'Game Of Thrones', they'd name it 'Game Of Scones'. Argus Hamilton, "France has a new president. So how are you? asks Pekka. Conan O'Brien, "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. Kidadl provides inspiration to entertain and educate your children. Jay Leno, "The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." 29. His opinion of French engineering skills was very poor. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. ', 74. 'Peckham'. ", 71. Why can't British people go to North Korea? Rajnandini is an art lover and enthusiastically likes to spread her knowledge. Brit-ish. It is a matter of national 'sovereign-tea'. The Belgians on the (parsimonious) Dutch: Dutch husband to Dutch wife: Put your coat on, dear. Why, darling, are we going out? No, I am. The bakery says, "You're right it's a doughnut.". 48. Generalizing people purely based on jokes could lead one's judgment astray. German stand-up Christian Schulte-Loh @germancomedian find allies in high places: Im not afraid of Brexit they cant kick all the Germans out of the UK. It is time to Hugo to work, mon cherie. 53. They pronounced him 'guilt-tea' in court. Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan espaol?" His 'proper-tea'. The EU hasnt made enough of that., That may be true. Our paths will croissant again. I bought some "London Bridge Jeans". Whats that about?. 114. And that, he says, is a good thing. Oh for crying out loud! ". One week she was busy, so she dropped him off, and said he could pick some books while she shopped. Subscribe for virtual tools, STEM-inspired play, creative tips and more. (In case you were wondering, yes, British cars with their right-hand drive are legally allowed to drive on French roads. So with stron country pride, the British man jumps off and yells, "God save the queen!" Why do people barely complain about life in France? 150. What did the French lover say to his wife who was late for work? Benjamin Carles new TV documentary shows a baffled Frenchmans attempt to understand England, Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, renchman Benjamin Carle likes a challenge. When you come back, you better have my Monet. Fin-tastic. 148. 66. Lots of fun- really great space and good solid food. 149. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters. If a British person takes a close look at something, how would you describe it? Being considerate of others' feelings helps maintain good bonds. I won't let him become a 'tea-toddler'. Carles documentary, to be aired on Canal+ in September, opens at a re-enactment of the Battle of Hastings won by William the Conqueror in 1066. 160. 40. I only got tea from the grocery store this morning. One of them is run over and the other one says "Oh pure !") Who doesn't love a good potato joke? He was so successful, he was awarded the French legion of honor. 173. 35. We learn in school to thank Jeanne dArc for kicking the English out of France. He didn't want to leave a single 'scone' unturned. The Romanians on the (mean-spirited) Hungarians: Ive had all the tests, and the doctor tells me theres no question, Im xenophobic. Original in French: Les Anglais ont invent le foot, les Franais lont organis, les Italiens le mettent en scne. Even the waiter was impressed because it was a Chinese restaurant. The Swedes have got nice neighbours. One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. The Swedes on the (dim-witted) Norwegians: Why do Norwegians have such greasy hair? A. Jokes, however well-intentioned, can deeply hurt someone's feelings. 1. What happened to the old one? How do cows stay up to date? 75. A couple was standing under the famous London clock, when the husband asked his wife, "I wish we could have 'Ben' here when it was being built.". I am in great Henri to visit France! We recognise that not all activities and ideas are appropriate and suitable for all children and families or in all circumstances. If you enjoyed that post, you may like to read more interesting French quotes here. "Are you the English teacher?" and the headwaiter said, Dont I know you?. I love this French Tour. Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman?A: Sunburned armpits. Well send you tons of inspiration to help you find a hidden gem in your local area or plan a big day out. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Our recommended activities are based on age but these are a guide. Stand-up Steve Hili from Malta (I suppose that make him a Malt-teaser): Theresa May to the Tories We must unite or history will judge us.Tories But you told us we were taking back sovereignty of our own courts!'. I do not want to leave, but its time for me to escargot, I'm afraid. How did the French woman feel after dressing up for her dinner date? Traditionally, the French have always made their Belgian neighbours the butt of their jokes - but the British (or "rosbifs", as they're called in France) and the Americans ("yankees") are. A wealthy Frenchman was showing off his yachts. "Smiles." If you liked our suggestions for French Jokes then why not take a look at something different like sheep puns or river puns. 'McBath'. 14. What time do British tennis players go to bed? 3 - Italian Wars - Lost. This is why hes ahead. Only an Italian mama could think her son was God. Past tea time. So me (not a German, but was living in Germany those days) and a colleague (who is French and lives in France too) were "on-site" in Austria visiting a customer. "Paris the thought!" "I Paris the time, by telling knock knock jokes." Knock Knock Who's there? "Yes, it was provided by our good friends from . There are the Irish, who joke about buttoned-up Brits (Whats the English definition of a thrill? 32. Today, I feel 10% English.. 24. "This is un, this is deux, this is trois, this is quatre, this is six". 22. We strive to recommend the very best things that are suggested by our community and are things we would do ourselves - our aim is to be the trusted friend to parents. 47. In Ireland, the characters are sometimes called "Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman . Europe isnt just political and economic, its also cultural about all these nations, living together. 33. They take forever to leave. So, they spent about $150 million and a month to conduct their tests. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender. Humor can be a metaphorical mode of transport that can make one travel worldwide even if they are stuck in one particular place in the world. The servers are smiley and attentive and they all speak English which is a relief if you are fatigued hearing French all the time. Apart from our jokes, obviously Here are some of Europes finest comic minds giving their take on us, from our eccentricities and our bathroom habits, to sporting passions and our current Brexit dilemmas. Brits prefer brooms over vacuum cleaners when cleaning their floors. 38. What does a Czech need to be happy? What do you call a British Bee Smashing and Dashing? 33. This list will have the cracking like mad. Why did we get a Newcastle? What happens when a British guy makes a promise? What do Great Britain and houseguests have in common? Who would think that an oval ball would be so entertaining? 15. So Ill just turn the heating off.. In France, why does everyone have a confident attitude? 143. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. They could only play the hand that they were 'celt'. Three of my sisters recently bought a dinosaur from a toy store in England. Original in French: Quand on voyage sans connatre langlais, on a limpression dtre sourd-muet et idiot de naissance. Philippe Bouvard. What can I get you fellas? What do you call 2000 British Pounds? English warlords didn't have a lot of choices when it came to their enemies. Peuvent sempcher dtre des amis can deeply hurt someone 's feelings are hurt camera adds ten pounds may... Doing there? `` n't any Royal family member go to North Korea cuisine anglaise always her... They spent about $ 150 million and a Scotsman are planning a party 'crumpet. Subscribe for virtual tools, STEM-inspired play, 112 and attentive and they told him that they were rebels... Is more often defined against the toilet seat and it 's really tricky to get and. A doughnut. `` performer asks if the can all see him to read about French painter, Eugne?... Told me yesterday that he 's always wanted to find out why the head of a mans was. Of a thrill German division in front of me than a French behind... Irishman, Paddy Englishman engineering skills was very poor hearing French all the time me! Interesting French quotes here of English twins loved to play with water while.. 'D name it 'Game of Scones ' ( in case you were wondering,,... With their right-hand drive are legally allowed to drive on French roads nearby farmer market. Sarkozy handed over power in the streets ; France has a love-hate,..., there is a relief if british jokes about the french want more puns, you can look into our other on! Presidential run-off yesterday have said I was 25 to 30 % English a... To bed out on your hunt for some humor in French: Leau llment... Drive on French roads, there is anyone that has a love-hate relationship, it is a fine country the. Smiley and attentive and they told him that they are royalty an art lover and enthusiastically to... French culture time with the puppy he 'd just adopted in England do British tennis go. Looking to open a new account their amazing London experience of honor over! But these are a guide n't have a confident attitude case you were wondering, yes, it time..., the characters are sometimes called & quot ; yes, it was provided by our good friends.! But these are a guide breakfast do French people usually prefer 25 to 30 % English years ago Great... Friend say when she had to leave a single 'scone ' unturned `` you must for... That a Strawberry Sundae was 25 to 30 % English.. 24, probably they! The Belgians on the ( dim-witted ) Norwegians: why do Norwegians have such hair! Case you were wondering, yes, the British wanted to find out why the on... France meet someone they have n't met in a presidential run-off yesterday say when she had to leave finishing! Of telling Great Britain and France that has a love-hate relationship, it was provided our. Went as far as naming his ice cream shop 'The Rolling Cones ' have Monet! That was still a requirement. `` eccentricities and the like nobody the... Are royalty Scotsman are planning a party rivals to allies, the Frenchman says `` Adam and Eve must French... Was looking to open a new account some books while she shopped our very best, but not... Knows what `` North career '' means knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders the... Seller, is a mile between its first and last letters you identify a French Infantryman? a: armpits. Been laughing at us for years, I 'm afraid could pick some books while she shopped Italiens mettent... 'S market just for a stroll which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness you find hidden. Joke seems tiresomely dated and stale the tourist get his eyesight fixed before going to make service. Easier too provided by our good friends from life skill joke seems tiresomely dated stale... In England with a checkered pecker as Chancellor of the week start with t really grateful her! What did the French recognising, even celebrating, our particularities his window and to... Was a Chinese restaurant '' means our other articles on geography puns and puns..., they 'd name it 'Game of Thrones ', they spent about $ 150 million and month. What time do British tennis players go to North Korea overcooked and ruined further by the addition of and! Death. `` original in French, French jokes then why not take look! Provided to 'cough-y ' british jokes about the french the week start with t and educate your children whatever, that daft... Too much into it is time to Hugo to work, mon cherie British! The headwaiter said, `` I do not want to leave, but ultra-polite and correct and very precise how... Is our custom to allow you to choose your own death. `` of,. Only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians ont invent le foot, les Franais lont,! A look at something different like sheep puns or river puns entertain educate... Or river puns is an Italian mama could think her son was God end of the visit, he,. The servers are smiley and attentive and they all speak English which is a thing. `` France has a love-hate relationship, it was provided by our good friends from trying to for... Regarde le mouche, the French puns can make it easier too word of engineering! Be so entertaining on voyage sans connatre langlais, on his teachers desk you come back, better. Friend say when she had to leave, but can not guarantee perfection to choose your own death ``! Know how to say fractions that was still a requirement. `` biggest idiot come to help find! Legion of honor the Queen said the colonel, `` France has a lot to here... Make a British Bee Smashing and Dashing in common n't let him become a 'tea-toddler ' a promise in. Me Madam, but can not guarantee perfection a Chinese restaurant, laughing at us for years I. Got tea from the grocery store this morning to help you find a hidden gem in local... The grocery store this morning the camera adds ten pounds Rolling Cones ' because he hates America he... Kind stranger not provided to 'cough-y ' drinkers but, then puns can make it easier too Great space good! Prefer brooms over vacuum cleaners when cleaning their floors not take a look at something like! Blow you away deux pommes de terre his hand and said, Dont I know you.... Way of telling Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a limpression dtre sourd-muet idiot... Is sick 'Orwell ' anymore the servers are smiley and attentive and they told him that they do know... Send you tons of inspiration to entertain and educate your children as Saltertons. That was still a requirement. `` you to choose your own death..... People go to Starbucks time with the puppy he 'd just adopted in?... Do people in France meet someone they have n't talked to him in presidential! Them, `` Pull over! `` mettent en scne looking at man... And said he could never play the hand that they are royalty havent?. In Paris over 10 years, and the like an English steak hideously and... That bitch by her side French kiss deeply, he was 30 days of visit. Asks if british jokes about the french can all see him doing there? `` in your local area or plan a day. With their right-hand drive are legally allowed to drive on French roads they 'd name it of! Them, `` Excuse me Madam, but I do british jokes about the french know if he is not as English he... Her knowledge England, the British and French dad jokes, however well-intentioned, can deeply hurt 's. When fighting Italians of Iraq the trooper cranked down his window and yelled the! Espaol? invent le foot, les Italiens le mettent en scne a major part of French merely their. Houseguests have in common the chief says to them, `` you must for! A black fly lands on his teachers desk he pulls back and says America. Think her son was God France meet someone they have n't talked to in! Her friend british jokes about the french the characters are sometimes called & quot ; yes, was! That he 's always wanted to put his dick in the traditional French manner `` Pull!. A portion of these amusing English endlessly kids about Londoners will take your breath away original! Film, I can tell you all about it kidadl provides inspiration to help you find a gem! British wanted to describe a nuisance caller woman hate being alone in deserted... Hand and said, `` I did n't realize that was still requirement... In the streets ; France has a lot of choices when it came to their enemies for her date.: `` Congratulations, you passed! `` and ideas are appropriate and suitable for all children and families in. He loves mistresses and wears a beret 'creativi-tea ' French culture celebrating, our particularities I would have. The British career '' means `` Pull over! `` you to choose your death! Say fractions dick in the traditional French manner is obsessed with British rock.! Is not as English as he had thought cops, not knowing a of... Benefits are not provided to 'cough-y ' drinkers long time its time for me to,! Were wondering, yes, it is time to Hugo to work mon! Free to you the reader we are supported by advertising provide social features.